Second Thoughts

Hey.

I’ve been working my ass off the last week or so on my Parson’s application. I haven’t gotten an interview with McBride and my time is quickly fading away. I’ve pretty much finished the site. I’m no where near completion on my collections.

Over the last day or so, I’ve been heavily debating with myself about early admission. This means finishing four academic credits in the next 4 months, pretty much impossible. But that’s not why, I have willing teachers who want to get me in. I have to finish around 21 full-size garment sketches for my collections in the next 10 days or so, again pretty much impossible. But that’s not why either, it’s feasable if I put my mind to it. I have a creative and rather mind-boggling admissions essay to complete by the 1st, definatly impossible on top of finishing my collections. But that–again–not why, I could use my favourite and most thought provoking peice and write about it.  I have to find $100,000 to pay for tutition, woah. But that’s not why, I can apply for grants or get a student tutition loan.

The reason why is because of a couple of people. Namely, Mary. I’m going to miss her. I think I realized how heavy of an impact it’s going to be not to walk down the field to recieve my diploma with my peers. Or not going to my graduation party. Or not attending my senior prom. Or [maybe] not cheering in the 07-08 Powder Puff game.  Or not watching my senior year Homecoming game. Or not spending countless days in the work room of the library with my friends goofing off.

It’s not what I have to do, it’s what I’m going to be leaving behind. I’m fully able to acomplish my goals. But am I fully able to leave my simpleton, Alabamian life for a fast-paced, Yankee life without the closeness of my best friend? Sure, I’ll have my boyfriend–whom I love dearly–but he isn’t Mary. I haven’t known him for 10-odd years, he doesn’t know all of my deep down secrets, he hasn’t been with me through my coming out or other times associated with that.  Maybe in another year. When I’m better prepared and ready to move on and out of Alabama. Maybe.

<3!Logan

 

It’s Late, I Know

Hey everyone.

It’s getting late, I should be asleep. Well, nearly asleep. Around this time is when Siri and I go to sleep. Tonight’s the second night of this week we haven’t fallen asleep together. It saddens me, really. Sunday night I forgot my charger atLeigh’s and my mom was like “You need to conserve your battery, so turn off your cell.” Blah, so I did. I was knocked out by my sleep meds but he said he didn’t go to bed until 3a. =[ Then, today: my mom heard me up talking to Siri last night and I couldn't wake up this morning or something so it's obvious that my staying up late was the culprit. Her solution is to take away my cellphone at night. GROOOOOOVY. I felt like crying.

Tonight, I really noticed how much I love Siri. I'm up late, can't sleep, and all I can think about is him. How much I want him beside me, how much I want to feel him, how much I want to be with him.

All of my other boyfriends [and girlfriends, believe it or not] have been 99% lust, 1% love. We should’ve been saying “I lust you” instead of “I love you.” Love is a strong word, and, gradually and albeit roughly, I’ve learned that. My last boyfriend cheated on me eight or more times [yes, I know, I'm stupid] but I lusted him so much that *wanted* it to work out.

Siri’s different. My first thought when I talk to him isn’t “OHH! Let’s fuck!” it’s more like “I love you.” Notice the rather stark difference in the two. =] I’ve never loved anyone like Siri. Ever.

My relationship with Siri has almost made me a virgin all over again. I’ve had so many firsts with Siri, it’s amazing. My first time feeling real love. Feeling über jealous [yeah... I know... I'm not perfect... Scareh]. Feeling empty without him. Feeling scared for him.

My last boyfriend and I talked on the telephone maybe eight times the almost *year* we went out. That would be less than once a month, if you count the ENTIRE year. It’s been almost a month, we’ve talked 24 out of 24 days. Even tonight and Sunday night. Everytime I talk to him, I get a rush of emotions. Love, nervousness, “happiness.” *coughs*

As mentioned a second ago, we’re about to have our one month anniversary. Friday, to be exact. Today, he was like “Y’know what Friday is?” and I was like “Anniversary?” He remembered. I was smiling so much. I don’t even know why. I guess it was how excited I was about him actually remembering our anniversary [since I've "reminded" him about the other 3. ^_~] or the fact he was the first boyfriend to ever remember an anniversary. Christina was the only person who remembered our anniversaries, just to throw that in there.

*sighs with happiness* He’s just amazing. In every way possible. He makes me happy. He makes me want to keep going. Isn’t it great when your friends notice your change in attitude? Mine have. Well, my sista, Mary, has. XD She said she noticed my being more happy and optimistic [Mary: right? >.>] after Siri and I began our relationship. I haven’t said this the way it was ment to be said before we were together: I love you, Sirius.

It’s really getting late. So, I guess I’m going to try to go to sleep without Siri. I haven’t taken my meds, but it’s too late. I’ll wake up more groggy than normal. I hope he sleeps okay tonight. =/

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE MAAAAAARY!

Ich liebe dich, Sirius. Auf weidersen.
<333!Logan[is_in_love]

 

New Classes. New Teachers. New Ppl To Get Used To…

Hi there.

Well, first day of school was pretty good, I suppose.

First period I have Cruce for Clinical Spectrum. It’s full of preps and jocks and blahhs. I only like 2 ppl in the ENTIRE class: Megan and Shee. That’s it. And they sit on either side of me. XD

Second period I have Norton for Law in Society. It’s full of immature, annoying, stupid ppl. The only intelligent person in there, is Emily Carr. She’s the bomb. I noticed her half way through the class and I was like “*smiles and sighs*” I was happy I wasn’t the only student in the class with an IQ over 30.

Third period I have Noland for Algebra 2 with Trigonomitry. It has about 10 ppl in it. ^_^ I’m happy. But, it’s my lunch period, thus it’s the longest period of the day. 116 minutes. *kills self* We had about 30 problems to do for homework. She lets us have the last 20 min after lunch [we have "C" lunch], so I have it all finished.

Fourth period I had Sellers for Acting. It was full of emo freshmen. God, I’m so glad I’m getting out of that class. But today I was happy cause I had it with Mary and Maribeth. [Mehhh peeps. ^_^] Tomorrow [since I'ma junior, I'm in a higher priority] I should have my schedule changed to Cooperative Studies [aka "Co-Op"; you leave you're co-op period to go to a job] fourth, so no more Sellers. YAY!

Otherwise, my day has been rather peachy. =DD I finally retrieved my cellphone charger from Leigh, so I get to talk to my Siri tonight [YAY!!!!]. I missed him last night. Prior to my meds knocking me out, I just tried to imagine his breathing, but mehh. It was sucky. XD Oh, and finally got the backup CD from Saturday. It had my ENTIRE porn collection [it's BIGG with quite a few series on it. XDD "gay dramas," duh.], I was FREAKING OUT last night. BWHAHHAHAHA!!

Anyway, auf weirdersen.
<3!Logan

 

One True Thing – Who’s Amazing?

Who’s amazing? You are!
You blinded the moon and stoel me the stars and
I’m aching to give you all I’ve got.
So here, don’t break it, it’s my only heart.
And tonight was the first of many.

And the days stretch out so lazy when you’re far away
I feel that it might break me!
I knew it from the start this could be so hard,
What would it be if it were easy?
I knew it from the start this could be so hard,
What would it be if it were easy?
What would it be if it were easy?

Who’s amazing? I think it’s you.
I thought about it and made my move.
You smiled, you did, and blushed, the sound of my blood rushed and rushed.
Tonight I wish that you could be here…the further that I fall, the more I want you near me.

And the days stretch out so lazy when you’re far away
I feel that it might break me!
I knew it from the start this could be so hard,
What would it be if it were easy?
I knew it from the start this could be so hard,
What would it be if it were easy?
I knew it from the start this could be so hard,
What would it be if it was..
What would it be if it was..
What would it be if it were easy.

I haven’t felt this good in a million years.
Shake off the dust and cobwebs, wipe away my tears.
Cuz it’s everyhting and something more about you, yeah.
I can’t believe I lived this long without you.

 

Ohhhhkaay.

All righty…

I swear, I’m better. Today went pretty smooth. He forced me up at 8am [after a mere 3 hours of sleep] to work with him at the shop. We ended up arguing only like twice, which is pretty good for us since we both have big explosive tempers [I get mine from him, btw]. Soo, maybe I can talk him into letting me go to my interview Thursday. I’m going to try to talk to him tonight. *hopes*

Anyway, look at the new header. I know it doesn’t match my green theme, but it’s close enough. XD It’s going to be for the new bloggy. Yay. <3 I just can’t decide everything else about it. Comment about what you think. Cause… yeah.

Oh, and one last thing before I run off to the shower. I ment to post this last night, but meh… I have the world’s greatest boyfriend. Seriously. Today, he wrote me a poem [he'd slaughter me if I posted it, plus it's private. ^_^] that made me tear up. =] I love him. Like, bunches.

Anyway, I’m off to the shower so I can be all wet and slippery.
<3!Logan

 

Shredding Papers

a term coined by Mary. Definition? Putting old, sad, emo stuff behind you. Tonight, I did just that.

Some of you know of the tragedy that happened over the weekend [a select few, so if you dont know, dont worry]. Officer Kirsch recommended a few things and I partly put them into action tonight.

It was a countdown to when my exboyfriend was out of my life.

sp0rkmeharder (7:12:02 PM): *sighs* is it sad i’m going to miss him?

“Mary” (7:12:20 PM): don’t make me slap you through the computer

“Mary” (7:12:24 PM): but no

sp0rkmeharder (7:12:29 PM): gone. [<= Talking about Myspace]

sp0rkmeharder (7:12:31 PM): i did it.

“Mary” (7:12:36 PM): he was your first crush type person

sp0rkmeharder (7:12:37 PM): and i feel like i’m gonna cry.

“Mary” (7:12:46 PM): i love you

sp0rkmeharder (7:12:50 PM): ily too.

“Mary” (7:12:53 PM): and pwease don’t cry

sp0rkmeharder (7:13:08 PM): gone from yahoo.

“Mary” (7:13:17 PM): aww

“Mary” (7:13:21 PM): i’m sorry

“Mary” (7:13:28 PM): that this is so arg for you

sp0rkmeharder (7:13:36 PM): damn right.

sp0rkmeharder (7:13:44 PM): three more messengers left.

“Mary” (7:13:52 PM): dang

“Mary” (7:14:02 PM): like shredding letters huh?

sp0rkmeharder (7:14:01 PM): first aim gone.

sp0rkmeharder (7:14:02 PM): got.

sp0rkmeharder (7:14:06 PM): my heart

sp0rkmeharder (7:14:08 PM): is acking.

sp0rkmeharder (7:14:12 PM): aching*

“Mary” (7:14:24 PM): :bear hug:

sp0rkmeharder (7:14:27 PM): second gone.

sp0rkmeharder (7:14:38 PM): *starts to tear up* god. i wish [someone >_>] would call.

“Mary” (7:14:57 PM): [bear hug in morning. full on bear hug me up in air you holding me like a baby bear hug, k]

sp0rkmeharder (7:15:09 PM): okee. <3

sp0rkmeharder (7:15:13 PM): shit.

sp0rkmeharder (7:15:18 PM): *hyperventates*

sp0rkmeharder (7:15:35 PM): gone.

sp0rkmeharder (7:15:38 PM): msn gone.

sp0rkmeharder (7:15:41 PM): he’s gone.

sp0rkmeharder (7:15:43 PM): period.

sp0rkmeharder (7:15:58 PM): noow

sp0rkmeharder (7:16:01 PM): it’s time for the cellphone.

sp0rkmeharder (7:16:32 PM): oh god. i seriously have tears running down my face.

sp0rkmeharder (7:16:35 PM): i’m pitiful.

sp0rkmeharder (7:17:13 PM): *reaches out* hold my hand.

Yeah. That’s how it happened. After I typed that, AOL kicked her off and she called me. Together, Mary and I did the final erasing from my life. I erased his contact from my cellphone. Although I do still have some really sweet texts from him saved. I’m not sure if I should delete them. *sighs*

It’s all just shredding papers. *deep sigh* Shredding papers.

<3!Logan

 

Giant Inflatable Dildos

*snorts*

Okay, lesson learned. Never visit a latex website called “Reactor Rubberwear” unless you like it kinky.

I found an inflatable THIRTEEN INCH dildo on there. o.o I mean dear lord! HOW CAN YOU FIT THAT MUCH UP YOUR ASS? Anyway, I showed it to Courtney, who freaked. XD It was hillarious!

sp0rkmeharder (10:28:53 PM): HOLYDadfl;kjsdfl;kjasdf;jdlj

sp0rkmeharder (10:28:54 PM): asdkas;df

sp0rkmeharder (10:28:56 PM): a;sdlfk;asldf;ljsdf;kfsdfas;dfa;lf

sp0rkmeharder (10:29:06 PM): …a 13 in inflatable dildo

sp0rkmeharder (10:29:09 PM): THIRTEEEEEEEN

“Courtney” (10:29:10 PM): HOLYL SGHIDFGDF
HOLY SHIT

sp0rkmeharder (10:29:15 PM): *faints*

“Courtney” (10:29:25 PM): *me too*

sp0rkmeharder (10:29:28 PM): *giggles*

“Courtney” (10:29:50 PM): that’s too big

sp0rkmeharder (10:29:54 PM): giiiirl

sp0rkmeharder (10:29:56 PM): i can take a lot

sp0rkmeharder (10:29:57 PM): ….

“Courtney” (10:29:59 PM): ///

sp0rkmeharder (10:30:00 PM): but not even i

“Courtney” (10:30:00 PM): …..

sp0rkmeharder (10:30:02 PM): can take that.

“Courtney” (10:30:10 PM): bghsdf

“Courtney” (10:30:10 PM): sd

“Courtney” (10:30:11 PM): d

“Courtney” (10:30:11 PM): as

“Courtney” (10:30:20 PM): g

“Courtney” (10:30:20 PM): d

“Courtney” (10:30:21 PM): sg

“Courtney” (10:30:22 PM): can’t

“Courtney” (10:30:23 PM): brethere

“Courtney” (10:30:24 PM): gfd

“Courtney” (10:30:26 PM): didn’t need to know that

“Courtney” (10:30:27 PM): gdfg

“Courtney” (10:30:32 PM): sp0rkmeharder: giiiirl
sp0rkmeharder: i can take a lot

sp0rkmeharder (10:30:58 PM): XDDDD

sp0rkmeharder (10:30:59 PM): <3!

sp0rkmeharder (10:31:12 PM): ilyyyy! ^_^

“Courtney” (10:31:36 PM): ily too

“Courtney” (10:31:36 PM): hahaha

sp0rkmeharder (10:31:59 PM): well, we’re gonna live together one day

sp0rkmeharder (10:32:15 PM): and i dont want you to be stumbling around my room and find like a 9-incher on my dresser or something.

sp0rkmeharder (10:32:15 PM): o.o

“Courtney” (10:32:22 PM): GOD DAMNIT LOGAN

sp0rkmeharder (10:32:23 PM): and you’ll be like

sp0rkmeharder (10:32:24 PM): dfadflkj

“Courtney” (10:32:24 PM): BAHAHAHHA

sp0rkmeharder (10:32:36 PM): STOOOOP MAKEING ME LAUGH!

“Courtney” (10:32:37 PM): i’d walk right out

sp0rkmeharder (10:32:40 PM): *chokes on ice*

“Courtney” (10:32:42 PM): i’d see that

“Courtney” (10:32:43 PM): and just

“Courtney” (10:32:45 PM): leave

“Courtney” (10:32:47 PM): hahah turn around

“Courtney” (10:32:48 PM): and leave

“Courtney” (10:33:02 PM): i don’t care what i was in there for

“Courtney” (10:33:06 PM): i wouldn’t be near that

“Courtney” (10:33:06 PM): hahah

 

If that’s not funny enough… She continues on…

 

“Courtney” (10:37:51 PM): what if you went into my room

“Courtney” (10:37:58 PM): and found that 13 inch dildo?

“Courtney” (10:38:03 PM): hahah and ashfurd and i laying in the bed asleep?

“Courtney” (10:38:04 PM): bahahahah

“Courtney” (10:38:09 PM): akward!

sp0rkmeharder (10:38:18 PM): i’d be like

sp0rkmeharder (10:38:24 PM): “yo! can i barrow ‘dis?”

“Courtney” (10:38:27 PM): EWGFDGFD

“Courtney” (10:38:28 PM): hahaa

sp0rkmeharder (10:39:38 PM): XD

sp0rkmeharder (10:39:45 PM): as long as i dont walk in on you with a strap on

sp0rkmeharder (10:39:50 PM): and ashfurd on bottom.

“Courtney” (10:40:19 PM): BAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
EWW

“Courtney” (10:40:19 PM): gfd

“Courtney” (10:40:19 PM): g

“Courtney” (10:40:21 PM): ghgh

“Courtney” (10:40:21 PM): gh

“Courtney” (10:40:21 PM): g

“Courtney” (10:40:22 PM): g

“Courtney” (10:40:22 PM): gdf

“Courtney” (10:40:22 PM): gfd

“Courtney” (10:40:22 PM): gf

“Courtney” (10:40:22 PM): t

“Courtney” (10:40:22 PM): f

“Courtney” (10:40:22 PM): g

“Courtney” (10:40:23 PM): gf

“Courtney” (10:40:23 PM): g

“Courtney” (10:40:23 PM): fd

“Courtney” (10:40:23 PM): g

sp0rkmeharder (10:40:41 PM): i think i’d question everything

sp0rkmeharder (10:40:48 PM): like “omg… AM I REALLY GAY?”

sp0rkmeharder (10:40:57 PM): orr “DO ALL STRAIGHT PEOPLE DO THAT SHIT?”

sp0rkmeharder (10:41:05 PM): orr “DO I HAE ON MATCHING SOCKS?”

“Courtney” (10:41:09 PM): gfgdf

 

What an eventful evening! *falls over laughing some more*

<333!Logan

 

Sex Stories

Well, tonight Siri and I were talking about dreams. And well, it lead to this:

publicusqualitas: this is our converstation while you’re having sex
publicusqualitas: “hey siri. what’s up?”
publicusqualitas: “getting fucked.”
lemonsofdoom: XD
publicusqualitas: “oh cool. how’s it going?”
publicusqualitas: “[to the kid] YOUR FUCKING HORRID!… [to me] the kid’s a nut. he doesn’t know wtf he’s doing.”
lemonsofdoom: XD
publicusqualitas: “ahh. yeah. i hate when that happens.”
publicusqualitas: “so… how was *giggles madly”
publicusqualitas: “o.O siri?”
lemonsofdoom: XD
publicusqualitas: “wooo. sorry about that. you know me, i’m ticklish.”
publicusqualitas: “yeaaah. anyway.”
publicusqualitas: “yeah. how was your day?”
publicusqualitas: “it was good. i did my boss. and a co-worker or two. you?”
publicusqualitas: “yeah. just about the same. [to the kid] LOOK YOU LITTLE FUCKER. DID I TELL YOU YOU COULD CUM YET? UH UH?! DID I? NO! DIDNT THINK SO. GO AWAY! JUST LEAVE NOW!”
publicusqualitas: “another dud?”
publicusqualitas: “yup.”
publicusqualitas: [[end]]

XDDDDDD

I <3 my friends. Really, I do.

<3!Logan

 

When Friends Go Bad, part 3 [...or 2?]

Today, has been one hellva day.

Well, at Scholars’ Bowl practice this afternoon, our “team captain” was our mother.

Seriously, she treated us like children. Yelled at poor Sam for kidding around. And, damnit, wooo. Made me a wee pissed.

And Clay was as well. We critizied her the entire session.

We played ‘20 Questions.’ We couldn’t talk out of line [or we were disqualified from the prize: $2 each..]. And we couldn’t get distracted. The “purpose for us doing this is so we practice team work.” Bullshit. Wilson should have read the questions. You have NO teamwork skills whatsoever. >_<

*sighs* Anyway. Comments?
…Logan

 

Wow, Methinks I Fucked Up

Hello.

How much can one fuck up a friendship? Well, I think I did, majorly. And not just any friendship, the friendship. Mary.

Mary, as most of you know, is my other half. We complete each other and lean on each other’s shoulder in times of need.

Last night, I told her what I thought. Not about her, but about someone else. [That's all the details you need. Sorry.]

Today at school, she looked as if she was about to cry all day. I asked her if it was what I said “Partly, yes.” she replied. I felt like shit. But I think I needed to say what I said.

I hope she doesn’t hold anything against me. Or we grow apart. Mary’s been there for me. She was first to know I was gay. First to know my crushes. And I to know her’s. Then I crushed her. =/

Damnit, I feel like shit. Mary, if you read this… Please, know I love you. I’m talking to you know, but you’re slow to respond, I hope that doesn’t mean you’re mad.

*sighs* Another post soon to follow.
…Logan